Friday, May 21, 2010

Flavor of the Week

The world has become a little like the Baskin & Robbins of calamities and catastrophies, natural, man-made and mandated. And each week, we have a different flavor. The flavor of the week can be, for example, Chile Shake, followed by Haitian Horror. Sometimes, we seem to have more than one flavor of the week, like this week, when we had both Rand Paul Praline and KBR Krunch—a noxious blend of hexavalent chromium swirled in with sharp bits of IED shrapnel.

You may be disappointed to learn that KBR Krunch is currently only available through legal means in the state of Oregon. After all, the spokesperson for KBR was quoted in the Oregonian, "Ethics and integrity are the foundation of our business. The company in no way tolerates or condones illegal or unethical behavior. When questions about our work have been raised, KBR has provided information requested of us and worked to resolve the issues. We remain committed to providing the Army with high-quality, cost effective service," spokeswoman Heather Browne said in a statement.

If you buy that, I've got a big fat truthy book by Dick Cheney to sell you.

It’s a good thing that someone in R&D at the ice cream shop had the foresight to plan for the RP Praline, as it was referred to in the test kitchen, and make sure that there would be no conflict with the originally planned Palin Praline, which was eventually released as Half-Baked Alaska, and came in only one size… half-term.

You may walk into the ice cream shop with a hankering for Nashville Ripple, (that tasty concoction of vanilla ice cream ribboned with chocolaty sludge) only to find it’s no longer available. It seems that outside a small circle of friends, no one seems all that focused on the tragedy that befell upon Music City. On the other hand, Gulf Goo seems to have been held over, as the company keeps making it, long after the special ended. Most of the ice cream specials are pretty unappetizing and make you want to just order sorbet next time. The Gulf Goo leaves a licorice coating on your tongue that seems resistant to dispersing by drinking water or a chemically enhanced fizzy beverage. The Haitian Horror went bad before the week was out, but there seems to be so shortage of the Rand Paul Praline, since it is not for sale to African Americans. And you have to admire the regional flavor, Mexican Border Mousse being offered in Arizona shops. You need to show your papers before ordering it.

The Evangelical Hypocritical causing-hardly-a-Ripple was supposed to be introduced last week, but given the Republican’s double-standard, no one would have noticed. Mark Souder, who touted family values and abstinence while shtupping a staff assistant resigned and it all caused hardly a headline. He almost got away almost clean. But almost can be a big and unforgiving word. He almost took the path of John Ensign of Nevada, who not only had an extramarital affair with a campaign staffer, but had her husband on his payroll in his senate office. He is still touting the sins of the left to anyone who will listen, like David Vitter, Republican senator from Louisiana, who carried on with a prosty and came on all contrite with his wife (wearing some memorable if a bit in appropriate animal pattern dress) while she did the Tammy Wynette routine. Both he and Ensign are still “serving” in the senate while Representative John Boehmer is trying to conduct hearings on Eric Massa’s improper behavior on a navy ship, after he resigned. The ship has left the dock, tan man, give it up, let it go. Order an ice cream…

The toasted nut topping, Minority Whip has become so popular that customers don’t seem to mind the biting edge it has to it. And Tea Party Toffee is sweeping the country, even though it’s just a mix that has empty calories and a chemical makeup that makes the customers made as hell.

Baskin-Robbins has clearly come up with a winning marketing strategy, as long as the R & D team can keep up with the news, and conjure topical delicacies that the public will go Lady Ga Ga over.

no more, please


The Guy By The Door said...

Just to be clear on Ensign: he had AFFAIRS with his best friend's wife. After the big public apology invoking sinfulness and God and swearing he'd never do it again, he went right back to banging her.

The Ensign Double-dip.

barryshap said...

Thank you for the clarification and contribution-- a clever addition to the menu offerings at the Ice cream shop.

the one the only Clarissa Say said...

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